What Am I Doing Here?

“Good luck and Godspeed!” - Launch Control to Apollo 11
“Good grief.” - Charlie Brown

My first blog that I started in 2002 was called The Balaam Factor. I was in seminary, and I based the title on a Bible story about a clunker named Balaam. He was riding his donkey (henceforth, his ass) on a journey to do no good, and God was pissed. So God kept turning Balaam’s beast of burden off the road, and each time Balaam would “beat his ass” in anger. After the third whuppin’, God gave Balaam’s ass the ability to speak, and it brayed something like, “What the ever-lovin hell, Balaam? Stop it ya jackass!”

My tagline was: “If God can speak through Balaam’s ass, he can speak through mine” (See what I did there? I didn’t have much self-esteem at the time).  

Twenty-two years later, I wanted to call this project The Successful Failure, the title given to Apollo 13 because it failed in its original mission (reaching the moon) but succeeded in its new mission (getting home alive). But my therapist suggested that rehearsing “failure” wasn’t healthy for my mental moral.

But that’s how it often feels: A series of major malfunctions blew life off-course, and now, past age 50, I’m on a new mission just to splash down alive. So now that I've launched, here’s what I’m doing here:

WHY A SUBSTACK?
Comedians have clubs. Bands have bars. Farmers have markets. But writers? Where do we publicly show our stuff and work out our material (and have a tip jar)?

That’s why this Substack: I'm openly sharing my rough drafts — publicly workshopping material (and to get tips).

Name-dropping. Such an asshole move.

David Sedaris will read the same work each night on tour, making notations on how the audience reacts, and then he goes back to his hotel and makes edits for the next night. By the time he publishes a piece in the New Yorker or a book, he has workshopped it some 60 times in public.¹

WHAT’S GOOD GRIEF & GODSPEED (henceforth, G3) ABOUT?
Let’s break it down:

Good Grief
The signature phrase of the “round-headed kid,” Charlie Brown. It means dismay; alarm; bummed—basically, any negative reaction.

The first recorded use of the phrase was in the 1898 Oxford English Dictionary, and it was on par with phrases like “holy gumdrops,” “golly Moses,” and “gosh all hemlock (today’s equivalent of “Oh for f***’s sake).

Godspeed
A euphemism for “goodby,” which came from the shortening of “God be with you.” Back in the day, when you left the safety of your village or the city walls on a journey, lions, tigers, or bears (oh my!) could have you for a snack. Or pirates could take you for a prize (and maybe a snack). It’s a similar blessing in the space age: “May God prosper you with success on a new journey.”

[Mostly] True Tales 
Sometimes, I compress timelines, embellish details, change names, and use composite characters (to protect the innocent and the guilty). I’m not a journalist, historian, preacher, or pundit—just a guy trying to tell good tales.

Why tales and not stories? Edgar Allan Poe didn’t call it “The Heart That Told It’s Story.” No, he called it “The Tell-Tale Heart.”

A tale is “a fictitious or true narrative or story imaginatively recounted.”

Besides, everyone is Telling their story! or trying to Tell a better story! or bugging you to Be part of a bigger story! Those things are fine, but they’re also why social media is so. damn. exhausting. Besides, tales are way more diabolical and fun.

One Small Man
That’s me. Literally and figuratively.

I once had a major crush on a friend. Let’s call her Jordan.² We hung out a lot, and when she picked up on me crushing it, she said, “Omar, I could never date you. We’re the same height, so when I put on heels I look down on you.” 

I always wanted to be six feet tall. My doctor said, “Be thankful you hit 5’9”.³

But to the point, in a world where everyone is trying to be a thought leader, influencer, change agent, team builder, leave their mark, be bigger, yada yada yada… I’ve been small.

I’ve made peace with that. It’s less exhausting.

On A Mission
Remember the “Footprints In The Sand” parable? There’s an extended director’s cut edition that resonates:

Jesus said, “When you saw two sets of footprints, I was walking by your side. When you saw one set of footprints, I was carrying you. And when you saw one set of footprints next to two long lines, it was then that I drug your ass.”

A mission has a goal, like “land on the moon.” But implicit in that directive is another mission: “come home alive.” Like I said, I’m starting over on a new mission. I’m tired of living life drag-ass.

Be Less Ass
If I were still a pastor, I’d boil the gospel down to Anne Lamott’s dictum: “Don’t be an asshole, and make sure everybody eats.” But still, check out my post about being an asshole. 

Be More Whole
This is where (despite this post) I avoid the terrible preacher habit of spelling out everything. What it means for a mind, body, and soul to become whole differs for each person. These are the stories tales of my journey. 

HOW WILL G3 WORK?
I’ll post once a week, sometimes twice. I might also take a week off from time to time because, you know… life. 

And a podcast is coming soon! And down the road paid subscribers will also get extended audio versions of posts, access to special series, and other goodies I create.

WHY SHOULD YOU CONSIDER A PAID SUBSCRIPTION (a.k.a. my tip jar)
A subscription is currently $5 a month. I’m honored and grateful you’re reading my stuff. And I hope you’ll share with your family, friends, and even that one coworker you can’t stand.

But I also really need the money.

There was a time when writers were the heroes of the day. But to semi-quote Dennis Miller:

“There is no respect for the English language; just ask someone who has majored in it. Tell someone you’re an English major, and they automatically take 20 grand off whatever they think you make. Then they ask you for a menu and ask you what the soup of the day is.

“And why not?  In school, English was the easiest subject.  You can’t b.s. Physics.  You can’t learn math from “Calculus The Movie.”  But given all essay questions, you can bullshit your way through like a hooker being paid by the moan.”⁴

Food. Rent. Braces for the kids. Health insurance. They used to tell me, “The Lord will provide.” And now he’s brought you here. 

***

Before leaving for the moon, launch control told Apollo 11, “Good luck and Godspeed.” 

I’ve known some luck, but I’ve known grief more. I’ve experienced it. I’ve caused it. It’s a victim-villain feedback loop. And it’s a powerful motivator.

To break the loop, I walked away from the only vocation I’d ever known (and a steady paycheck, housing, insurance, and a pension) to start over on a new mission. 

So, I hope some good comes out of this grief. And I hope to prosper on this new mission. I haven’t yet achieved the goal to be less ass; be more whole in this life, and I probably never will. But I can get closer.

The only thing I know to do is tell tales and learn to tell them well. Along the way, maybe you’ll be entertained and might glean something help your soul. I hope you’ll laugh. I hope you’ll cry. I hope you’ll kiss five bucks a month goodbye.

Godspeed,
O

1. Sedaris sells thousands of tickets. He doesn’t need a tip jar. I do.

2. Not her real name.

3. What I lacked in height I’ve made up for in width.

4. This “rant” comes from Dennis Miller’s old HBO show, Dennis Miller Live. I wrote it down the best I could remember at the time since it was the 90s, and I couldn’t go back to it online. And I still can’t find it out there.